what i once wanted

I once wanted to be a pastry chef.

(source: Ciao Laura)

(Incidentally, while doing an image search for pastry chef, I came across this image:

"The Pastry Chef"

(source: Janet Hill)

Which led me to the Janet Hill Studio blog.

 I'm sure I wouldn't have across it otherwise.

I looked around and her art is so darling!

I of course love their vintage feel:

"A Mystery Lady"

I also love the humor behind some of them:

"Flashy"

"Minne Was An Aggressive Driver"

"Paige Practices Poise"

But this one just may be my very favorite:

"The English Major"

Sorry for the diversion.

But don't you love it when you stumble across

something fabulous like that?)

A-hem. 

On that note.

I once wanted to be a "semi-famous" writer, go to a college 

with a good M.F.A. creative writing program, and spend as much 

time as possible with my favorite poet, Sharon Olds 

(who came in as second-favorite after my one-time "idol,"Anne Sexton.)

I once wanted to feel beautiful, be beautiful, because I felt 

that with it must come a certain level of confidence, one I never really had.

I once wanted to be the perfect mom, 

imagining how my kids would be sweet and cleanly dressed,

and happy as clams as I did nothing but nurture them 

with art projects, read them books,

baked them cookies, took them to the park,

and so on.

(This was waaaay before I had my own kids,

and reality set in!)

Isn't it funny to think back on the dreams you once had, 

or the things you once thought mattered?

Now--

I play "pastry chef" to my little monkeys.

I still want to take some cooking classes someday, though.

Just for fun.

I still love to read,

though the time for that is more limited now--

and even when it is there, my mind is oftentimes too tired

to want to do anything but sleep.

That desire to write and publish and teach isn't there so much anymore.

Perhaps it never was my "real" dream.

But I want to finish college.

 I got up to my junior year.

And feeling beautiful? 

Beauty means different things to me now.

I learned to gauge it in new ways.

That's one of the blessings of getting older, isn't it?

You start to learn what things really mean.

I may not feel like I should about myself

in terms of self-confidence and my appearance,

but neither does it weigh me down

like it once did.

(Wisdom also teaches one to look back at those pre-baby body

pics and think "my, you were crazy.")

Now I am a mom.

A real one--flaws and all.

Which means I lose my temper,

make mistakes, and question myself at times.

I sure do love my kids, though.

(But I still must be slightly crazy--because I look at those pics

of when they were little and want another!)

I've learned now that soul mates do exist.

Although they too are not "perfect" ;P

I think I've made peace with the dreams I once had.

Some have been let go, some have changed, some have come true.

Some wait to be discovered.

There's new ones--like to have a successful etsy shop.

Perhaps someday :)

I kind of feel l like I needed to have a little look

at my dreams like this. 

Give them a little nod, let them go forth, 

and look forward to the future.

And relish the dreams that are my here-and-now.